Why did I allow myself to think that my fucked up body and the universe that obviously hates me with a passion would allow me to find a sport that I like, that gives me a moderate amount of exercise and which I can do without causing unbearable pain?
Today my elbows are extremely painful. Much worse than they were yesterday. Much worse than they were after kayaking. I know this place, I’ve been here so many times before. Once I get to a certain level of pain, EVERYTHING aggravates it, and even if I quit kayaking cold-turkey I’ll be in massive amounts of pain for two or three years to come.
I thought that this time it was going to be different. I thought I was being careful, I thought I was taking it slow, I thought I was stopping when it got painful so I was limiting the damage, I thought I was allowing decent recovery between sessions.
I’m crying now. And not just from the pain. I hate this. I just want to crawl into a cave somewhere and curl up and die.
WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN EVERY FUCKING TIME?
Sorry. Really wish we can share the pain literally.
I’m so sorry, Paul. I hope you’re wrong and it gets better. But mostly I’m just so sorry.
What Angus said, Paul. This sucks.
Absolutely…the suckiest thing about chronic pain isn’t that it’s always there, since it isn’t always. It’s the cosmos letting you think it’s gone, which makes it hurt even worse when it comes back. I’m not expressing myself very well, but I do want to echo what the others have said about the absolute suckiness of this.
I can’t say much that hasn’t been.
It sucks and I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry to hear this. I hope it gets better.